Apparently you make a good broom.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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