Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
