I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
