happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Im part way to drunk.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
