So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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