I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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