Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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