Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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