WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
