Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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