You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
