dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if only i could text you this smell
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
