so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The uberlube is also flammable
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
