she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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