I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
