suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
