I swear god or herbie drove my car home
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
