and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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