I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
