Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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