my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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