I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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