He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
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