Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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