I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He better not be in your backpack
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
