First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
