I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
