I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
