mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Randomize
