I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
