Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
