In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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