FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
