I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
