How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im holly from the hills drunk
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
