She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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