I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The beer is more important than you right now.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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