she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
