one two three fourrrrnication!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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