yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
