My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
