Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
