i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
