i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
