I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
