She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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