Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
