Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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