If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
