never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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