2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
