I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And then my night got REAL pukey
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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